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Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos A Lagos Ajebutter: “Ebola Fever No Fit Catch Agbero”

Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos A Lagos Ajebutter“Ebola Fever No Fit Catch Agbero”
I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didnt choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because Hes God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story

Hurrah! The Ebola fever is in the country…or so the media said. And since I’m a part of the mainstream media, then, it’s what I said. Of all the places to die in Africa, Patrick Sawyer chose Lagos. That must be a sign, right?
A sign that we’ve a lot of things wrong. People would quickly point to the obvious ills. Bad management, corruption, lack of jobs, roads, schools, GEJ, and APC. Those and more. But I don’t really care. This Ajebutter called Joey Akan has been a local government onto himself, providing for his basic amenities and needs without government aid, and that was long before Patrick Sawyer died of Ebola then. So why now?
I walk through the streets of Lagos checking out places, trying to find out how the Ebola fever is checking us out too. I find nothing. Surprisingly nothing. The world is still at peace, Lagos is still thriving, busy as ever at the only thing it knows how to do best being Lagos.
The streets didn’t disappoint. Agberos were still out in full strength, with weed and Alomo, hustling with their bad manners, and trying as much as possible to ignore Ebola. I go out on a limb to one of them.
‘Bros how far na, this Ebola never catch you?’
‘Ebola ni, Bola ko! How e wan take affect this small bar wey I wan collect?’ And then he made the powerful statement: ‘Ebola no fit catch Agbero.’ He declared.
Well, at least I tried. The situation is calm. Agberos in Lagos can never catch Ebola Fever. I have received a powerful declaration, and it sadly didn’t cover me. I am not an Agbero, and Ebola hasn’t granted me ignorant immunity. Wicked Ebola.
But why can’t Ebola infect the Agberos? Have they got some hidden power? For all the Agberos in Lagos that made contact with Patrick Sawyer, none of them has the virus. Perhaps their way of life has given them immunity. Immunity from all the nonsense that comes from the tush people. They can’t be bothered. Man must survive.
Perhaps if you drink enough Alomo to make the Atlantic ocean look small, and smoke enough weed to get Africa high, then run around in the sun, or hang in the street with just enough dumb arguments and shouting, watch street fights and cheer from the crowd, or threaten passers-by with blows and theft, then Ebola might just pass you by.
The bad ones live longer right? And the good ones die many times before their time. That’s how the world keeps itself in balance, and Ebola also understands this basic law of Earth.
For me, I’ll keep to myself. If you see me down the street, and you happen to recognize me, don’t dare approach me with a hndshake, or worse, a hug! I already assume everyone’s infected and dying.
But I won’t die! Ebola fever no fit catch Ajebuttter too!
For once, in this case, what is good for the Agbero, is also good enough for the Ajebutter. Ebola, I dare you to stop my hustle…at least I have TB Joshua on standby.
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